The King's New Clothes
by Sly-chan
Summary: AU A/L SLASH - When Legolas gets hurt, Aragorn will do anything to make him feel better. Anything.
1. A Pleasant Stroll

Title: The King's New Clothes  
  
Summary: Comedy, PG-13, A/L Slash, AU, and OOC (in my opinion)  
  
Ever heard of "The Emperor's New Clothes"? This is kinda like that but more silly. When Legolas gets hurt, Aragorn will do anything to make him feel better. ANYTHING.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Legolas, Aragorn, or Lord of the Rings. If I did, I would not be writing fanfiction, cuz I would be dead and lying underground in a pile of ashes and dust. Do not sue as I own nothing except a few Aragorn/Legolas Doujinshi, poster and figurines. And you cannot have those. They are my own! MY PRECIOUSSSS. ::clears throat:: Yes. OK. I am well.  
  
Author's Notes: This is not my first fic but it is my first fic posted on FF.net. Comments and Critiques are welcome. Flames will be used to roast Balrog meat as well as for me to point and laugh and scream and taunt until my throat is sore and my voice gives out. So, no flames please. There are nicer ways to tell me that my story sucks. After all, it is most likely that if you have written an Aragorn/Legolas story, I have reviewed it. And (I think) I was kind to you. Can you please return the favour? I am very sensitive. :: sniffle :: XD  
  
Another thing, I am no expert of all things LOTR. I have read The Hobbit, The LOTR Trilogy and am currently reading The Silmarillion. Feel free to correct me on any little mistakes and such but please keep in mind that this is FANFICTION and is AU and that some character are OOC (out of character). But I will take any suggestions you have that might improve this silly thing if you, fair reader, deem it necessary.  
  
Very well. That being said, let me introduce our players in this (odd) tale:  
  
Aragorn: Human, (Unmarried) King of Gondor. He is known by many names (to the amusement and annoyance of others). Lover of Legolas, Fiancée of Arwen, Adopted son of Elrond.  
  
Arwen: Elf. Vain and ignorant Fiancee of Aragorn. Daughter of Elrond, Lord of Imladris (Rivendell).  
  
Legolas: Elf. Beautiful Prince of Mirkwood, Lover of Aragorn.  
  
Elrond: Elf. Healer, Lord of Imladris (Rivendell), Adopted dad of Aragorn, Arwen's Daddy, close friend of Glorfindel, and Elf Lord. He is a bit on the odd side.  
  
Glorfindel: Elf. Elf Lord, Lives in Imladris (Rivendell), Close Friend of Elrond.  
  
Elladan and Elrohir: Elves. Twin sons of Elrond, brothers to Arwen, stepbrothers to Aragorn and friends and confidantes of Legolas. They are the troublemakers of Imladris (Rivendell) and love to play tricks.  
  
Other Notes: "." denotes Westron (English or Common) Speech, '.' denotes Elvish Speech, ::.:: denotes thoughts, [.] denotes translations to some elvish words that I inserted to make myself seem cool.  
  
Ready or not. Here we go!!  
  
  
  
The King's New Clothes  
  
(A silly fic by Sly-chan)  
  
~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter One: A pleasant stroll  
  
'Come on Aragorn! You are slowing us down!' said an exasperated and quite impatient Legolas as he turned to reprimand his traveling companion, his flaxen hair dancing in the wind.  
  
Today was the day that Aragorn had promised him that they could slip off to their favorite hidden glade a few hours walk outside of Rivendell to spend some "quality time together". They wished to be away from prying eyes and Aragorn's very possessive fiancée, Arwen. So, you can understand why the fair elvish prince was impatient with his human lover's slower mortal pace.  
  
They had set out early morn, when they knew that Arwen would be monopolizing the bathroom for her extensive morning beauty regimen. Aragorn carried the blankets, basket and travel packs as Legolas carried naught but his knives, bow and quiver full of arrows. It is not that the elvish prince was weak, mind you. It was that Aragorn believed his lover to be innocent and fragile and desired to do what a good lover does when out for a rendezvous: be the pack mule.  
  
Aragorn looked up with irritation at his impatient lover and opened his mouth to retaliate but the words would not come. As he looked into the deep azure pools that were Legolas's eyes, his irritation and resolve melted away much like ice on a warm day. He was but a puddle at the prince's feet.  
  
::Why does he have this effect on me? He can subdue me with just one look or one touch!:: The King of Men shook his head, causing his dark curly hair to bounce. He looked quite silly indeed.  
  
:: I am Aragorn! Son of Arathorn! Isildur's Heir! Elessar, King of Gondor! I-I should not be swayed by shining azure eyes, sensual rosy lips, soft blond hair, caressably soft porcelain skin. ::  
  
Aragorn did not realize that he had become lost in his thoughts nor did he notice the sudden tightness of his breeches and the drool that was slowly trailing down his stubbled chin and onto his black, weather worn tunic.  
  
Legolas sighed and rolled his eyes. Aragorn was fantasizing again.  
  
'Aragorn. If you do not snap out of your reverie soon, we will not be able to go on our picnic and act out some of those fantasies of yours.' said Legolas, in his best sensual voice.  
  
Still lost in his reverie, Aragorn did not hear the sweet words of his lover.  
  
Exasperated, Legolas took the basket from the human king's hands and swatted him across the head causing Aragorn to drop everything he was holding and to blink a few times. He then refocused his eyes as he suddenly felt a very bad pain on the left side of his head.  
  
'Legolas? A'mael? What happened? All I remember was - ' began Aragorn as he picked up their things. [Beloved]  
  
'That does not matter now. Just pick up our things and let's get going. We are almost there.' Said Legolas, trying to be sweet.  
  
Suddenly, the elf felt a sharp, stabbing pain in his, er, left buttock and fell to his knees.  
  
'Something bit me!!!' he yelled out in pain.  
  
Aragorn, concerned, threw their things on the ground and rushed to his lover's side.  
  
'Legolas! A'melamin! Are you well?' he said as he kneeled before his fallen lover's slight frame. [Beloved one]  
  
'Aragorn! I have been shot by an arrow! Avenge me!' said Legolas, clutching Aragorn's still wet tunic, fighting the pain. Being and elf, he felt really embarrassed at having been caught off guard and was already imagining the taunts he would get from Elladan and Elrohir for getting such an odd wound. 'I cannot fight right now. Please avenge me!'  
  
Aragorn rose from the ground and glared at those that had dared to hurt his love. Orcs. About twelve of them.  
  
::Oh! This is going to be a piece of lembas! (a/n did they have cake in Middle-Earth? Hmm.):: He thought as he went to unsheathe Anduril. His eyes widened as he realized that his sword was not at his side but lying underneath the pile of picnic things that he had flung a few feet behind him. He cursed underneath his breath and looked for a weapon to use against his lover's assailants. He reached down and found what he was looking for and went after the Orcs that had hurt his love.  
  
"I, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Isildur's Heir, have you now you scum! You will cower before the might of Elessar, King of Gondor! ELENDIL!" he yelled as he charged the Orcs.  
  
The Orcs blinked a few times before beginning to roll on the floor with laughter. Aragorn looked hurt and did not know why they were laughing and not fighting or fleeing in terror at the sight of his might. (a/n I think I could be a poet.)  
  
'Aragorn? Umm, what is that that you are using?' asked Legolas, lying on his side, trying not to laugh through his pain as he saw what Aragorn was using as a replacement for Anduril.  
  
"What?" he said with irritation and then saw what was the source of laughter: He, the mighty King of Men, was attempting to defeat a dozen Orcs with. a beach umbrella. (a/n they did not have cake in Middle-Earth but they had beach umbrellas. Good one Sly-chan! ::rolls her eyes::)  
  
Aragorn, his pride hurt, lunged at the subdued Orcs and slew them easily with his trusty beach umbrella.  
  
Legolas, shocked at actions of his lover, dared not to laugh. That and his butt was going numb and he was growing really concerned.  
  
'Are you well, melamin?' Aragorn rushed to his fallen lover's side. [My love]  
  
'I think we should postpone this little picnic, my love, and head back to Imladris so Elrond can have a look at my wound.' said the elf as he pointed to his posterior.  
  
'I will NOT have my adopted father look at yout perfectly sculpted butt, A'melamin!' said Aragorn, as his eyes flared with jealousy. [My Beloved]  
  
Legolas's eyes were aflame.  
  
'You will have me suffer from this embarassing wound then? Honestly! Help me up and get me to Elrond at once!!' yelled the fair prince, his cheeks turning a lovely shade of red.  
  
Aragorn swallowed hard and did as his lover ordered. He picked up his sword as well all their things and, as he supported his wounded lover, they trekked back towards Rivendell.  
  
TBC.  
  
~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
So. What do you think so far? I am currently writing chapter two, which I hope to post soon. I dunno how soon that will be as I am working quite a few hours at my new job and that I am still unsure of how to post here at ff.net. So, R/R and I will try to update ASAP. We will soon get to the point of the tale (is there really a point?) whence the title spawns from.  
  
Oh yeah! This fic is not betaed. I am using a spellchecker but, since my program is a French one, some things might slip through (grammar wise and whatnot). Oh! And English is not my native tongue! French-Canadian is. So, please be kind to this frenchie, OK? 


	2. Revenge is a dish best served with Honey...

Title: The King's New Clothes  
  
Summary: Comedy, PG-13, A/L Slash, AU, and OOC (in my opinion). When Legolas gets hurt, Aragorn will do anything to make him feel better. ANYTHING.  
  
Disclaimer and such: See Chapter One.  
  
Author Notes: A very big THANK YOU to all those who reviewed chapter one! WOW! That is so encouraging! Some people actually think it was funny! Hee hee! Chapter 2 is dedicated to you! Additional notes in chapter one and personal thanks at the end of this chapter. Also, a very big I'M SORRY for this being so late in posting. My new job requires much of my attention and my constantly being harassed by family members wanting my attention can be pretty tough on the fic writing time...I will try to update as often as I can.  
  
Reminder: ".." denotes Westron (English or Common) Speech, '..' denotes Elvish Speech, ::..:: denotes thoughts, [..] denotes translations to some elvish words that I inserted to make myself seem cool.  
OK! Here we go!  
The King's New Clothes  
  
(A silly fic by Sly-chan)  
  
~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
Chapter Two: Revenge is a dish best served with.. Honey?!?  
Aragorn was supporting his wounded lover to the front gates of Imladris when the fair elven prince stopped in his tracks. Sweat was beaded on his brow and he looked pale and shaky.  
  
'Oh, my love! I cannot go on! This grievous wound has claimed the last of mine strength.. ' said Legolas as he fell to one knee.  
  
Aragorn, trying not to drop all the picnic supplies on his beloved, threw them over his shoulder and went to his lover's side.  
  
'Do not say that Legolas! We are almost there! We are at the gates of Imladris right now! Please.. Just look up!' said Aragorn, leaning down to touch his lover's shoulder. Legolas lay a pale hand on his lover's gruff cheek.  
  
'Please do not mourn long over my passing to the Halls of Mandos, my love! Maybe a decade or two.. B-But no longer!' continued Legolas, oblivious as to what his lover had just told him. 'Alas! Now comes the winter of my life and here I am, afraid of the coming cold! HOLD ME ARAGORN!! 'Tis getting dark and I feel the cold hand of death upon my shoulder..'  
  
'Umm, Legolas? 'Tis my hand.. It IS cold outside.. What say you that we hurry inside where we can regain some warmth and have Elrond tend to your wound?' said Aragorn, trying his best to not sound condescending.  
  
'I-I would like white flowers at my funeral.. A-And I would like for everyone to be wearing Lothlorien white and silver! I have always loved those colours.. I-I had planed to marry in them.. ' He then lay his hand dramatically upon his brow. 'Oh, what a terrible fate has befallen the last elvenchild sired from the loins of the Elvenking of Mirkwood!' continued a rather delirious Legolas.  
  
At the mention of Thranduil's loins, Aragorn scooped up Legolas, careful not to aggravate the wound where an orcist arrow still jutted out of his lover's behind, and hurriedly strode into the Last Homely House in search of his foster father.  
  
You cannot blame the former ranger's haste. The quicker he got Legolas to Elrond, the quicker he could sneak into Elladan's room and ogle some back issues of PlayElf to get the mental picture of Thranduil's, or, for that matter, any older Elf Lord's, loins out of his mind..  
  
He entered the House of Elrond like a man on a mission.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
In Aragorn's haste to find Elrond, he knocked over Elrond's twin sons who were on their way out to eat lunch in the front gardens.  
  
'Watch where you are going, Estel! You almost made me spill my food tray!' cried out a rather peeved Elrohir. Aragorn did not notice and just continued on his way down the halls. 'Honestly! Youth today! Where is he off to in such a hurry?'  
  
Elrohir looked to his twin who was still crouching on the floor.  
  
'Elladan, you can get up now. He is gone..' said Elrohir. When his elder twin made no immediate move to rise right away, Elrohir bent down to face him. 'Elladan? Is all well?'  
  
As Elrohir got a good look at his brother's face, peels of hysterical laughter were heard in the halls of Imladris.  
  
Elladan just glared at his younger twin while honey, orange juice and pieces of apple and grapes clung to his now sticky complexion.  
  
'It's not funny, Elrohir!' said the miffed twin as he tried to wipe his face. 'Dammit! There is honey in my hair! Oh, Estel is going to pay for this!'  
  
Elrohir was now on his knees with his arms wrapped around his middle laughing at the plight of his twin.  
  
'It's funny cuz it's not me!' Elrohir managed to gasp out in between sniggers. 'B-Besides, it serves you right. You and your odd tastes! Who, in the name of Elbereth, has honey with their fruit?' He then renewed his laughter as he saw a grape slide off his brother's nose and cling to the front of his tunic.  
  
'Elrohir! It's not funny! Do you know how hard it is to get honey out of elven hair?'  
  
Elrohir sobered and looked into his identical twin's blue eyes. 'As a matter of fact, brother dear, I do. Do you remember when we were but one thousand and eleven years of age and YOU put honey in MY hair?'  
  
Elladan looked away from his brother's steely gaze and cleared his throat. 'Yes, well, that is in the past.. This is the present and we must get back at Estel!'  
  
'WE?' said an incredulous Elrohir, as he rose and dusted off his tunic. 'Why do WE have to get back at Estel?'  
  
'Firstly, he knocked us both down in his haste to, what looked like, bed his lover.' Began Elladan.  
  
'Very well, go on.' Said an unconvinced Elrohir. Sure, he was miffed that Aragorn had knocked them down but he had forgotten his anger once he saw his sibling's sticky features. It was one of the best laughs he has had since the whole "Glorfindel and the Shrinking Towel" incident. One of the twins' best pranks if he must say so himself.  
  
'Secondly, we have not played a good prank in what seems like weeks! If anyone should be on the receiving end of one of our famous pranks it should be our esteemed King of Gondor and brother!'  
  
Elrohir smiled as he thoughtfully rubbed his chin. 'You make a good argument, brother dear. Agreed. We shall get back at Estel to restore your hair's honour.. But how?'  
  
Elladan smiled as another grape slowly made its way down his cheek. 'The easiest way to strike at an enemy is not through physical or psychological means.. We should strike at the heart of the matter. HIS heart.'  
  
The twins laughed. This was going to be sweet!  
  
Elrohir stopped laughing and looked at his twin. 'I don't get it.'  
  
Elladan smacked himself in the forehead. 'How can you be so dense, Elrohir?!? Think! Heart! HIS HEART!' When he met with Elrohir's still clueless expression, he continued. 'We enlist Legolas's help!'  
  
'Oh.' Was all Elrohir could say before he started to laugh again as he saw Elladan trying to pry his hand from his extremely sticky forehead.  
  
::Note to self.:: thought the elder of Elrond's twins. ::Orange Juice and Honey makes a GREAT adhesive.::  
TBC.  
Sorry it was short but I wanted to post a bit before any of you kind folk forget about this silly little fic. ::smiles:: Please forgive me!! I will try to post more soon! My new job is really killer on my already sparse spare time. But I will not forget about this pointless thing!  
  
Oh yeah, I know I promised that we would get to the point but my muses decided to be evil and are taking this fic in a different direction then what I had originally planned. I had planned on a one shot story but inspiration struck and I thought of making it a three chapter fic. So I then wrote out the chapter one you read before. But as I was writing this one, I saw that it will probably take me more than three chapters.. We shall see where this leads me. I hope you will forgive me for the tardiness and not give up on me. This fic is for humour purposes only.. I hope you all enjoyed this part and STICK with me as I continue. Thanks in advance for reviews and suggestions!!  
  
Personal thanks:  
  
Estella Greenleaf: Wow! You commented on my story! I must have read like ALL your Legolas/Aragorn stuff!! Thanks for the kind words! Note to self: Must see Kenshin! ^_^  
  
Emma the Lame: Hee hee! You inspired this little story my dear! If anyone complains that I have warped their fragile little brains, I will tell them that it all started by commenting to your fabu story! I am glad that you liked it!! I hope you like the rest.. It is dedicated to you and all the fine Legolas/Aragorn stories I have read! Oh yeah, Legolas. Fear her.. and then fear me!! MUAHAHAHAHAH!!!  
  
Lily Frost: OoO! The West Coast!! Ce fut toujours uns de mes rêves d'aller y visiter!! Et oui! Pauvre Legolas!! Hee hee! Je continue.. And your French was great. Tell me if you got all this! ::smiles::  
  
Legolas's Sweetie: You commented on my story too! How wonderful! I have read many of your stories as well! Very fun stuff! Eep. Don't hurt me for not updating sooner.. FF.net was giving me trouble and my new job is killer. Forgive me? I don't think that I need a beta for this story but I might just take you up on your offer for other stories I am thinking of writing? Would that be cool? I found a few mistakes but, meh, who cares. I used the spellchecker and they got through.. Nasty little buggers.  
  
Faye: LAURIE-CHAN!! You liked it! You really liked it!! Hey peeps! Go read her stories! They are fabu!!! ::Huggles her Laurie-chan::  
  
Little Space Demon: ::Blushes:: Thank you for your compliments! Wow! I will keep writing! Thank you! Sorry for the delay.. I will try to update more often OK? Thanks again!  
  
Manten no Miko: Mor'loki-chan! I was not trying to write like the Great Tolkien. This is spoof. Purely written for shits and giggles.. But I know that I already told you that in your LJ. Glad you liked it!!  
  
Evil Windstar: I did you your favour.. Now what are you going to do for me? ::giggles:: Just kidding! Glad you liked it!! Sorry for the wait!  
  
Tarathol: I am glad that you liked it as well! There is more.. Trust me. I am going to try and update as much as I can! Sorry for the delay! Hope you enjoyed this chapter.  
  
Thanks to you guys and all the silent readers out there.. Laters!! 


	3. Of Bedsheets and Beauty Regimens

Title: The King's New Clothes  
  
Summary: Comedy, PG-13, A/L Slash, AU, and OOC (in my opinion). When Legolas gets hurt, Aragorn will do anything to make him feel better. ANYTHING.  
  
For disclaimers and other such things, please see chapter one. But for the need to cover my own arse, here is a short disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings or any of its wonderful characters! ::sniff:: (All should thank Elbereth that I do not because it would be a VERY different story indeed..) So do not sue. I make no money whatsoever from this piece of nonsense that I call a "humour fic".  
  
Author Notes: Wow! I am so happy that you guys are enjoying this! It is true what other fanfic author say : « comments are fuel ».. I feel so inspired to continue! Thank you! I know that I said that I was going to try and update sooner but my job is really taking its toll on my spare time. But I do promise to finish this fic! And once I have, I will be posting the angsty fic I have been working on for some months. Although I have been told that my funny fics are best because they are a great distraction and that my angsty fics are too sad.. Ah well! I like to do both. Balance is a good thing!  
  
Thanks again for all the wonderful reviews! Personal thanks at the end of this chapter. ::smiles::  
  
Reminder: ".." denotes Westron (English or Common) Speech, '..' denotes Elvish Speech, ::..:: denotes thoughts, [..] denotes translations to some elvish words that I inserted to make myself seem cool.  
  
Here we go!  
  
  
  
The King's New Clothes  
  
(A silly fic by Sly-chan)  
  
~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
Chapter Three: Of Bedsheets and Beauty Regimens..  
  
While the twins were off to plot the demise of Aragorn, son of Arathorn (after Elladan's well-earned bubble bath, of course), the former Ranger of the North and King of Men was searching for his foster father.  
  
::Where the bloody hell can he be?:: thought Aragorn as he carried his light form of his now unconscious lover. :: If I were an Elf-Lord, where would I be hiding?::  
  
Aragorn, being not so bright at the moment with his thoughts being consumed with healing his love, checked every broom, storage and linen closets on the first floor of the Last Homely House.  
  
'Where could he be?!?' growled a very distraught Aragorn. 'Elrond!! Where are you?' he yelled as he opened yet another linen closet.  
  
Luckily for him, Elrond was preparing for the upcoming "20,000th Annual Elven Toga Party" (it would be the 20,0001 had it not been for the post- posting of all the events during the whole "Last Alliance of Men and Elves" or "The Killing of Sauron Thing" as some liked to put it). The Lord was rooting around one of his many linen closets for some white silken sheets for himself and Glorfindel when he spied the closet door open to reveal a very dishevelled Aragorn holding a very pale and unconscious Legolas.  
  
'Estel! Whatever is the matter? You nearly made me drop my sheets!' said a very flustered Lord of Imladris. The party was in two days and he still had not found the perfect sheets. He and Celeborn had an ongoing rivalry on whose outfits would be the most outlandish at these kinds of parties and he simply MUST beat out the Lord of Lothlorien. He was still seething about his loss in the "Annual Elven Lord Swimsuit Competition" four months prior.  
  
::Unbiased judging indeed.. Galadriel is just jealous that I fill out my elven speedo better than her pretty-boy hubby does!:: thought the Elven Lord as he shifted through more sheets in the closet.  
  
Aragorn rolled his eyes. 'Hello! I am holding an unconscious and wounded Elven Prince of Mirkwood in my arms and you ask me, too casually might I add, "Whatever is the matter?"!?! Elrond! You must help him!!'  
  
Elrond, having finally grasped the seriousness of the situation (I guess we know where Elrohir gets his occasional cluelessness from.), dropped his sheets to the ground and quickly went to Aragorn's side. He then lay a slender hand on Legolas's sweaty forehead and frowned.  
  
'He is stricken with fever and his breathing is laboured..' He then took the fair prince's pulse. 'It is faint but he is still alive.. My chambers are closest and I keep most of my healing supplies there. Follow me!' said Elrond in his best "I-Am-The-Lord-Of-Imladris-Respect-Me" voice.  
  
'Please.. Stay with me melamin.. It is not your time! I need you..' whispered Aragorn into his lover's pointed ear. A moan was all he got in reply as he rushed off behind the Elven Lord. [My love]  
  
Many servants who had stopped to observe the scene between the man and their Lord now rushed about to tell others that all was not well in Rivendell..  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, on the third floor..  
  
'Where is everyone?!? It is time for my daily showing and all I have here present are servants! Where is father? Estel? Elladan and Elrohir?' bellowed the furiously beautiful Evening Star of the Elves, Arwen Undomiel.  
  
Every day, just before noontime, Arwen would finish her morning beauty regimen and exit her rooms. She would always be greeted with the Ooh's and Aah's of her family, friends, servants and any other person of importance staying in the Last Homely House. She would then proceed to each of those present and they would shower her with compliments. She would then make her way to the balcony to be fawned over by, what she would call, "the common horde".  
  
To say that the Lady of Imladris was vain was like saying that Hobbits liked to eat.  
  
'M-Milady..' began a very nervous female servant. 'I had heard that your father was tending to the wounds of the Fair Prince of Mirkwood.'  
  
'I heard..' began another female servant. 'That he had received some rather grievous wounds.'  
  
'I heard that Estel was assisting the Lord Elrond..' continued another.  
  
'Things do not look good for the Prince..' Said another servant as the female servants dabbed their eyes and the male ones cast their glances mournfully to the ground.  
  
Arwen simply rolled her eyes. What did this have to do with how beautiful she was today?  
  
'Very well. I guess that is a good excuse for father and Legolas not to be here.. If dying can be qualified as an excuse to not see the Evenstar of the Elves.. But where are my brothers and Lord Glorfindel? And Estel should be by my side! Why is he always with Legolas? What does the Prince have that I do not?' said an increasingly angry Arwen, her cheeks flushing a lovely shade of red.  
  
'The Prince has these lovely blue eyes, silken blond hair and a porcelain complexion..' began one servant.  
  
'He also has a slim body, broad shoulders, slender arms and long legs..' dreamily continued another servant.  
  
'He is also very graceful. Why! Every step he takes resembles a dance!' said another servant, clasping her hands together.  
  
'He also has a perfectly sculpted butt!' continued another servant who began to blush.  
  
All those present, save the Lady Arwen, gaped at the blushing servant. 'You have seen him.. Umm..' began one servant hiding her blush. The other servant only giggled and blushed some more. All the servants present, male and female just stared at her in awe.  
  
'Hello!! Evenstar of the Elves here!' Arwen yelled at her servants. She had lost the gist of the conversation when it had deviated from her to Legolas. Arwen was not known for her attention span or for her caring nature.  
  
'That is it!' began the furious Evenstar. 'I am going off to find out what is going on here! Why did no one come to greet me this fine morning? Am I not still the most beautiful sight to behold in all of Imladris? Am I really so out of touch with those that surround me?' she continued, twirling a strand of her dark hair around her index finger as the servants cringed in fear. 'No. It is all of them who are. I will show them where their loyalties should lie!'  
  
With that, the furious Arwen not-so-gracefully stomped her way down the stairs in search of her beloved, her siblings and her father.  
  
::They will rue the day they infuriated this beautiful she-elf!:: she said as she continued down the stairs, a menacing smile dancing on her lips.  
  
Suddenly, she stopped in her tracks as she spotted something shiny. 'A mirror!' she yelled as she rushed to it and gazed at her reflection.  
  
Suddenly, a loud piercing shriek was heard throughout Imladris.  
  
'A WRINKLE!' she cried. 'I have a wrinkle!' Arwen then ran to her rooms and slammed the door shut. This was going to take a while to fix..  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
Back in Elrond's rooms..  
  
'Lay him down on the bed while I ready my supplies..' ordered Elrond to a panicked Aragorn.  
  
The man gently lay his pale elf onto the bed. Aragorn placed Legolas on his stomach to facilitate access to the, er, wounded area.  
  
'Why is he not responding to our words and touches Elrond? What is wrong with him? But a few moments ago, he was speaking to me..' said Aragorn as he tucked a stray strand of blond hair behind a pointed ear. 'His eyes are closed..'  
  
'I fear it is poison.' Began Elrond as he pulled out some supplies from his many chests in the room. 'Quickly! Show me the wound!'  
  
Aragorn lifted Legolas's tunic to reveal the area where the orcist arrow had struck and had remained stuck.  
  
Peels of laughter were once again heard throughout Imladris.  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
Two servants who were walking past the Lord's rooms stopped in their tracks.  
  
'I am seriously thinking of investing in earplugs. All this laughter and screaming reverberating in this house is beginning to give me a migraine.' Said the male servant as he pressed his slender fingers to his temples.  
  
'Can we elves get migraines?' asked the female servant.  
  
Both shrugged as they went off to their respected duties: one was looking for sheets while the other was going to the garden to find mud.  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
  
  
TBC.  
  
So, what did you think? I don't think it was my best.. But, oh well! It is posted! Please review! If you have any suggestions, they are welcome!  
  
  
  
Personal Thanks to Reviewers:  
  
Lily Frost: ::giggles:: Yes. You did indeed say hair and not horses.. Hmmm.. That might be a good title for a ficcie.. Et oui! Elladan va avoir sa vengence!! Mwhahahahah! I am really glad that you remebered my ficcie! I hope you remembered it this time too. I feel bad for posting so late in between chappies but life can get pretty hectic. Thanks for your review!!  
  
Princess ArWen of sMirkwood: I am glad that you liked my story and find it funny. Thank you for your review. It means a lot to receive one from someone who does not like slash but still read this and found it funny. Which is what it is meant to do.. To just make you smile. ::smiles:: Thank you!  
  
Ithildin: I love your new name! Fantastic! I know about the whole beta thing.. The grammar police and such have attacked some of my favourite authors. Sorry about you being reported for posting author's notes. Some people are so close-minded. EEE! I don't want to be eaten by a Balrog!!! ::giggles at the thought of a Sauron Fruitcake:: He's what's for dinner! ::smacks forehead:: Bad joke.  
  
Artemisa: ::giggles:: I am glad that you are enjoying my fic. I have but one qualification that I demand out of a good LOTR fic: The more elfie goodness the better!! Hee hee! And do I detect a fellow Legolas torture lover? ::waves:: I like those ficcies too..  
  
Evil Windstar: I am continuing! Hee hee! Thanks for the review!  
  
Amia: Hee hee! I laughed hardest writing the part about Thranduil's loins.. Thank YOU for YOUR review! Such great praise! ::smiles:: And, umm, When are you updating your story? Hmmm? ::giggles::  
  
LittleSpacedemon: Thank you yet again for your review.. I hope I did not keep you waiting too long. I am happy that you think this silly thing is good work.. Thank you and enjoy the rest of the story!!  
  
  
  
Thank you to my reviewers and to all the silent readers out there! ::wink:: 'Till Chapter 4!! 


	4. Of Healing and Espionage Techniques

I decided to change the format of my story. GO ME!  
  
Since I am stuck using notepad, the spacing is gonna suck. That was a warning.  
  
For disclaimers and such, please refer to past chapters. I do not feel like repeating myself like a broken record. On and and on and on and - *smacks self* I am fine.  
  
I would like to thank all my readers for their patience (and impatience in some cases *smiles*). This chapter, nay, this whole story is dedicated to you.   
  
Also, I am on the favorites list of two people!! *waves to Astariel and G. D. Gauss* THANK YOU!!! *sniff* You like me! You really, really like me!!! *gives you chocolate covered elf-lords and humans*  
  
I would have to say that the last chapter received the best responses. And it is not just because it took me MONTHS to update. I had lots of reviews hours after I first posted it.... *tickled pink* So, I'm really sorry for not updating sooner!!  
  
The reasons for the delay between this chapter and the last are many. Some are valid, others are lame. Here are the three main reasons:   
  
1) My faithful little laptop, usagi-chan, came down with a lingering illness and then died tragically a few weeks ago. I was therefore forced to use my parents' pathetic excuse for a computer (an 11 year old piece of orc dung). By the time I was able to afford a new computer, it was near the end of February... His name is Legolas and he is super fast and sexay. My precioussssss.... Sadly, this chapter will probably be littered with typos as I have no writing program yet and, therefore, no spellchecker... Hurr.   
2) This year, I have not had the greatest of winters. It seems that I am doomed to suffer through one illness after another. (I already suffer from migraines and chronic headaches x_x;) A few weeks ago, I got a nassssty flu and then, still weak from the flu, a lingering cold. As my health is now improving, the inspiration to continue has come to me!!   
3) The lack of alone time and spare time!! Whenever I would try to settle down and write, people would choose that exact moment to call or seek me out and bug the living hurr out of me. So, right now, I have locked myself into my bedroom with Legolas (the computer and the muse) and am determined to write, write, write.  
  
So, in short (for this is already long), I bend to the will of my readers. So, if any of you out there are still with me, give me a HELL YEAH! *hears crickets* Dang.  
  
Here is chapter 4.  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
The King's New Clothes  
  
Chapter 4: Of Healing and Espionage Techniques  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
Time was of the utmost essence for Elrond. He knew that he had to get to work quickly if he were to save the young prince's life. He hastily prepared a draught to help ease the prince's pain and to help him sleep. He administered the postion by placing the prince on his side, mindful of the wound, and carefully poured the liquid down his throat.   
  
There had been many moans, sobs and cries of pain, but once he got Aragorn to calm down, he was then able to get to work on saving Legolas' lovely wounded posterior.  
  
"Estel.... Hand me that cloth and the sterilized knife. We must get this arrow out of him as soon as possible. I only hope that the draught we gave him will have taken full effect by now...."  
  
Aragorn did as he was told. After all, no one dared to cross the dark-haired Elf Lord when he was in "healer mode".   
  
"Estel? I have but one question for you...." began Elrond as he cut and removed Legolas' bloodied leggings.  
  
"Y-Yes, ada?" replied Aragorn. He was feeling very much like a child about to be reprimanded by a parent for something stupid he had done. [Daddy]  
  
"I have taught you the healing arts, yes?" queried Elrond, looking in the direction of his foster son. Aragorn merely nodded 'yes' in reply. "You have used these skills often in your travels as the leader of the Dúnedain?" Another nod.  
  
Elrond set down the knife and looked Aragorn in the eye. Then, quite calmly, he placed his hands on his hips.  
  
"Then tell me why, my son, if I have taught you these skills, and you know them well, had you not attempted to remove this poisoned arrow out of your lover's behind BEFORE entering my home in a panic, knocking my sons over thus earning their wrath, disturbing me in my search for the *perfect* raiment to outshine that hussy Celeborn, AND causing further pain and discomfort to the Prince of Mirkwood thus ensuring his father, King "I'll-get-you-Elrond-and-your-little-adopted-human-son-too" Thranduil's rath? Hmmm?"  
  
At first, Elrond spoke calmly but as he continued, the words began to fly faster and faster out of his mouth.... Quite a talent really.  
  
Aragorn just stood there, mouth agape, trying to find something, anything, that he could say to excuse the "situational memory lapse" that he had suffered when his lover had been struck with the arrow.  
  
"I-I love you, ada?"  
  
Elrond smacked himself in the forehead (a/n: now we know where Elladan gets this little personality quirk) and then winced in pain. He felt a migraine coming on.   
  
::Do Elves get migraines?:: He thought in dismay.  
  
So, ignoring his foster son's stupidity, for now anyway, he swiftly went back to work on the fallen prince's wound.  
  
::At least I can try to make sure that there is no scarring. Thranduil would really have my posterior for a crown then! :: Thought the Lord of Imladris, frowning and furrowing his brow in concentration.  
  
The wounded prince in question just snored daintily in his drug-enduced slumber.  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
Meanwhile, outside the room where Elrond and Aragorn worked frantically on the prince's "grievous" wound, many servants and random elves had gathered to hold vigil.   
  
Flowers were lain, candles were lit and prayers were told to any and all Valar that were listening as all present tried to comfort one another in their shared worry for the fair prince of Mirkwood's health.  
  
"Do you t-think...?" began one emotional blond servant, ringing her hands in her apron.  
  
"No. He is well! The Lord is working on him now! We all know what our Lord Elrond can do! He will save him... Have faith!" Assured a tall male elf, trying to assure all present. His shaking hands betraying the confidence he was trying to voice.  
  
"What should we do? We cannot stand here and just wait to hear of the prince's demise.... Is there anything productive we can do for him? Anything at all?" began another male as he supported another female by the waist.  
  
"I know!" began another male excitedly. "We can have a wake!!"  
  
All present stared at him in confusion.  
  
"Whatever do you mean?" asked a dark haired she-elf.  
  
"You know, a wake!" When he saw the looks of confusion on the faces of those present, he continued. "Like they have in Rohan when someone is ill or has passed to the Halls of Mandos!"  
  
"You mean, we all gather in a big hall, get drunk, play loud music, sing and tell stories until the next day and/or we all pass out?" asked another elf.  
  
"Exactly."  
  
All were preparing to leave for the main hall when they heard a noble voice.  
  
"What is going on around here?" asked a very muddied blond Elf-Lord.  
  
"Lord Glorfindel!" gasped the crowd in surprise and awe.  
  
"My L-Lord..." said the leader of the group. "What has happened to you?"  
  
Glorfindel frowned in dismay as he pinched and examined the dirtied robe he sported. "You mean this? I happened to enter the chambers of a very, er, 'distressed' Evenstar...."  
  
All present nodded their understanding. Their ears still rung from the screams that had echoed in the fair halls but moments before.  
  
One thing must be said about Glorfindel: he is a sucker for a good crowd. He craves attention and is most at ease in the presence of many. Being the second in command of the elven haven, he was not the elf with the most prestige. So, when Glorfindel of the House of the Golden Flower, had the opportunity to shine, he did so. And with much gusto and flair.  
  
Seeing many elves gathered in one place, "Glorfindel, the pissed-off at having mud flung at him" became "Glorfindel, the trying to be humble as the center of attention".  
  
He smiled to himself and continued his story.  
  
"Apparently, none had been present at her, well, presentation this morning..." said the blond eldar as he waved a majestic hand in the air. "I had been out riding and lost track of the time. When I arrived, I went up to her chambers to make my apologies, as any smart elf would. But, when I knocked and no-one answered, I figured that the Lady must have cornered some poor maid. So, I entered with the intention to save the poor female, as any noble warrior would...." He paused for emphasis as many females in the room sighed dreamily.   
  
He continued. "What I saw when I entered her rooms, to my great dismay and, in a way, relief, was not a distressed she-elf in need of aid, but rather this mass of mud in front of many mirrors. When I recognised the mud pile to be our Lady, I tried not to laugh but, we all know that I love a good joke as much as the next elf." He paused and chuckled softly. All present did the same. "She then proceeded to fling mud at me and insisted that I leave her chambers post-haste. And here I am, on my way to my rooms to change out of my muddied garments when I heard this commotion. Now, tell me, what have I missed since my morning excursion on Asfaloth?"  
  
All the females in the room began to cry while the men hung their heads in sorrow.  
  
"What did I say?" asked a very confused Glorfindel.  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
Once he had received his answer, he dispersed the crowd (who went off to have their wake) and, having exchanged his dirty robe for a fresh one, entered the room where Elrond was finishing healing Legolas.  
  
"Is the prince well? I heard he had received a mortal wound while out with Estel..." querried Glorfindel, a frown of worry on his fair face.  
  
"Glorfindel!" excitedly began Elrond. But remembering that Estel was still in the room, he regained his composure and cleared his throat. "Lord Glorfindel. The Prince will be well. I have tended to his wound and I think it will heal nicely. All he needs is rest and time to get over the heavy sedative we gave him."  
  
Aragorn took Legolas's hand and pressed his chapped lips to them in a tender kiss. "Thank Elbereth...."  
  
He then turned and spoke softly to Elrond. "Ada? How did you know that Legolas and I were lovers?"  
  
"Estel...." began the dark-haired elf-lord. "Everyone in Imladris, nay, all of Middle-Earth know of your relationship with the young prince...."  
  
"Except Arwen. She chooses not to believe it." said the fair-haired Elf-Lord.  
  
Aragorn then blushed ten shades of red. "Why did no one tell us?"  
  
"Because...." replied Glorfindel. "It was so much fun seeing you two running around and trying to be discreet!"   
  
The two Elf-Lords then laughed as Aragorn legs let go and he hit the ground.   
  
"When one wants everyone to know something in Imladris...." began Elrond.  
  
"....One just has to keep it a secret." continued Glorfindel.  
  
Elrond helped Aragorn to his feet.   
  
"Come, my son. It is time for you to get cleaned up for dinner. I am sure that you are hungry and weary from the day's excitement. Legolas will be fine. He will be out for a few more hours. And even when he comes to, I do not think he will be very good company."  
  
"Why do you say that, ada?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"Do you remember the last time we gave him a draught? He was angry for days!" said a laughing Glorfindel.   
  
"Come Estel. We will lead you to your rooms...." said Elrond as he guided his foster son out of the room.  
  
"Say, Elro- er, I mean, Lord Elrond?" began Glorfindel. "How did the young prince get wounded and how serious was it?"  
  
Elrond smiled and mouthed the words 'I will tell you later' before leading the trio out of the room.  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
Once the trio was out of the room, the doors to the terrace flung open and two shadowy figures entered the dimly lit room.  
  
"Are you sure we should be here? I heard from the servants that Legolas is not well.... That he and Estel were attacked by an army of Uruk-hai and that Legolas is on his way to the Halls of Mandos...." began one of the figures.  
  
"Do you always listen to idle servant gossip? I heard that he got an arrow in the butt and that he will heal soon. Do you want revenge or not?" said the other figure.  
  
The figures stepped out of the shadows. They were of the same height and build and were sporting rather odd outfits.  
  
They were both dressed in black from head to foot with black silk scarves covering all their fair faces but their eyes that shone with malicious intent. They also sported cloaks that danced in the breeze that blew from the open terrace doors.  
  
"I am not the one seeking revenge, dearest brother. Estel got honey in your hair, not mine...." said Elrohir, almost tripping over his long cloak. "Why are we dressed like this anyway?"  
  
"We are trying to be discreet and mysterious. If we blend into our surroundings, we will not be found out. We need to use the utmost caution and stealth if we are to extract our revenge." said Elladan, laughing evily.  
  
"So.... We are pretending to be spies!" said an over-excited Elrohir. "I do love it when we play dress-up spies!"  
  
Elladan placed a hand over where he thought lay his twin's mouth. He instead covered his nose. "Shhhh! Do not wake the prince!"  
  
"Ohhh!" began Elrohir. "Right! Spies are quiet and all secretive-like! Can we have code-names?"  
  
Elladan rolled his eyes. "Sure." he began. ::Anything to shut you up....::  
  
"YAY! My code-name will be...." Elrohir paused to think for a moment. "Elladan!" he said as he clapped his hands in glee.  
  
Elladan smacked himself in the forehead. He knew this would be a looooooooong night.  
  
Legolas then began to shift in his bed. Elladan, having found the right location of his brother's mouth, covered it and held his own breath in anticipation.  
  
"Not the beard!!!" softly cried Legolas before he began to snore prettily.  
  
Elladan let out a sigh of relief. "He was just dreaming...."  
  
Elrohir then fell to the floor. Elladan's grip on his mouth and nose had cut off his breathing and he had fainted from the lack of oxygen.  
  
"Crap." said the elder twins as he fanned his younger identical brother.   
  
::This might not be as easy as I had originally thought.::  
TBC....  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
Personal Thanks: (This section is gonna be huuuuge!)  
Lily Frost: I like my elf lords. Be them old or young! As long as they are not Gandalf or Saruman-like, the speedo competition can take place.... *Gandalf frowns in dismay* But I still love you Gandy!!! Thanks for the words of encouragement.... But I think that three months is long enough of a wait.... X_X; but coffee gooooooood!!! XD  
Ithildin: I know.... I am soooo Sauron bait. LOL Thanks for the review!!!  
Faye: LAURIE-CHAN!! *glomps* I dunno many peeps that like movie Arwen. But then again, it could be because that Liv Tyler is an airhead. Beautiful, but an airhead. Plus, the movie is about hot menz. Not elf-chicks that steal hot elf-lords horses and steals screen time with another's lover.... Aragorn/Legolas forever! Arwen never! LOL Peeps! Read her story!! Very gooood!!! *hugs* Thanks for the review hunny!  
Princess ArWen of sMirwood: Yes.... Elrond will indeed have had to touch the perfect posterior. His hands would have lingered had Aragorn not threatened to kill him if he tried anything.... LOL I always thought that there was jealousy between the Elf Lords.... And the competiton shall be fierce this time around!!! Thanks for your review and I am glad that you are enjoying the story!  
Astariel: First, thank you for adding me to your favorites list.... *blushes* I will make you proud!!! Thank you for your praise. I will try my best to make this a great fic just for you!  
Kapaali: Hee hee! I was not even going to keep those bits in! I am glad that you liked them! Should I go into detail about the "shrinking towel" prank? LOL Thanks for your review!  
Emma the Lame: You managed to finish your story before I even updated! How sad am I? Heheheh! It is Ok that you did not review the second chapter.... I did not review all of yours either! Bad Sly! Sorry to have made you wait so long... But I hope it was worth the wait!!! *hugs her Emma*  
LittleSpacedemon: Hee hee! I am glad that you still find my fic funny! I like your reviews!! They are encouraging.... Arwen irked me in the movie. So I made fun of her here. just some mindless fun! Hee hee! Thanks for the review!  
The dancing Hikaru!!!(aka Jenny-fer): PUUUUUUU!!! I love your name!! Cute! I felt free to write more! *giggles* Feel free to review!!! LOL Thanks!! ;p  
kumo tires: Hehehh! Legolas will not hear the end of this at all.... Wait until his family learns of this. *sniggers* I am evil, aren't I? *laughs evily but then begins to cough* Dang. Anyway, I will finish this story. And the twins.... They are fun aren't they? *giggles* Thanks for the review!!!  
G. D. Gauss: I would like to thank you for all the reviews you left, the e-mails and adding me to your favorites list. You were truly the one that inspired me to get off me arse and update. Thank you. This story is dedicted to you with my promise that I will indeed finish it. *hugs* Thank you.... *smiles* I am glad that you find it is funny! Enjoy!  
Clarista: LOL indeed! XD Thanks for the review!  
EtheLeA: Thanks for the review.... That disclaimer was funny when I re-read it. LOL Thank you hun for the review (and kinda for beta-ing when I gave you a taster of this chapter)! I am indeed glad that I have had a chance to talk to you and that your story is doing great *I am soooooo addicted!!!* Please update sooooooon! *giggles* Thanks for the review. I am glad that my disclaimer made you laugh like an idiot!! XD Happy belated new year to you too! *hugs*  
Kasandra: I will finish it! I promise! I never start something and not finish it!! Thanks for the review!!!  
Estella Greenleaf: *blushes* Thanks for the review.... I love your stories soooo much that I am tickled that you reviewed mine! Thank you!  
Elmo: *LOL* I am glad that you like my fic. I have updated! *giggles* Thanks for the review!  
Ahhh! It feels so good to update! I hope that you all enjoyed this chapter. I assure you all that I will continue this story until the end.... And if you really like it, there could possibly be a sequel. Tell me what you think, OK? So anyway, Merry *belated* XMAS and Pippin New Year! I mean Happy New Year. Yeah.  
See you in chapter 5!!! 


	5. Of Secrets and Surprises

SLASH WARNING!!! RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!!!  
  
BTW, still using notepad. Apologies in advance for typos that get through and spacing errors as FF.net is being STOOPID. -- typo/spelling mistake on purpose. Also, I am still experimenting with the layout for this story.  
  
For disclaimers and other such things, please see chapter one. But, a small one to cover me arse: In the previous four chapters, I did not own LOTR. What makes you think I own it now? Some magical lottery? *wishes there was such a lottery so she can have her own personal man/elf here with her to keep her warm on Those Cold Canadian Winter Nights(tm)* So, me = does not own LOTR or its wonderful characters. I will just have my sick fun and return them (relatively) unharmed. But they will be happeh. Shooo happeh! *^_^*  
  
Author Notes: Thank you for the encouragement. The last chapter did not have as many reviews as the previous one but I figure that is because either peeps have forgotten about my story *or* that I did not leave it too long so people would be harrassing me to continue.... *heh* In any case, thanks to my reviewers and silent readers.  
  
A note to flamers: Although I have not had the pleasure of dealing with flames (not that I really WANT to deal with them), one of my fave authors (and newfound friend) received one stating that, in so many words, there is no slash in LOTR, Aragorn is not gay, blah blah blah. Whatever. Did you see the last movie? Hello?!?! Aragorn wanted Leggy so bad, even my homophobic elder brother said "OH! Just shag and get it over with already!!!" *hehe* So, leave us pervy slash faciers to our slashy menz. Why not go read a nice Mary-Sue Romance? Hmmm? *gags at the thought*  
  
Thanks again for all the wonderful reviews! As per usual, personal thanks at the end of the chapter.  
  
Reminder: ".." denotes Westron (English or Common) Speech, '..' denotes Elvish Speech, ::..:: denotes thoughts, [..] denotes translations to some elvish words that I inserted to make myself seem cool.  
  
This chapter (updated quicker than I have *ever* updated before) is dedicated to those who have not given up on this story and especially to EtheLeA. This chappie is to cheer you up.... *smiles*   
  
WARNING: First part of this chapter is fluffy. I am feeling mooshy and not so funny. Hurr. I fear this will not be my funniest.... Oh! And this chapter is brought to you by the word "SMOOTH". Amaze yout friends and family by inserting this word randomly in your vocabulary! Smooth. Not just for describing beer anymore. XD  
  
Here we go!  
  
The King's New Clothes  
  
(A silly fic by Sly-chan)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Chapter Five: Of Secrets and Surprises  
  
An uninterested Aragorn pushed food about his plate with his fork. Even the elven cuisine that Imladris was reknowed for did little to coax his non existent appetite. His mind was preoccupied with thoughts of his beautiful elven lover and his wounded, but still perfectly delectable, elven behind.  
  
The King of Men sighed. Everything that surrounded him reminded him of his lover's absence. How he wished nothing more than to have been brave enough, three years past, to have told Arwen of his relationship with Legolas. If he would have done that, then the prince would not be lying, alone and in pain, in some random bed in Imladris, suffering from such an "unfortunate" wound.   
  
::I might as well have shot that arrow myself!:: he thought sadly.  
  
Aragorn then looked down at his plate and was surprised to see that he had subconsciously made a likeness of Legolas with his meagre dinner. Light angel hair pasta, two strips of red pepper and two strategically placed olives with sauce outlining an angular face and shapely nose made the King's heart wrench.  
  
::I wonder how he is doing. Maybe I should go check on him. I know Elrond threatened to kill me if I tried anything while Legolas was in a drugged state, but I have to see him!:: He looked down at his plate and gently touched a saucy pointed ear. He then shook his head. ::All this worrying about him is driving me insane!::  
  
With that, Elessar, King of Gondor, pushed the plate away from His person. He regally rose from his chair and, with a flourish, left the table, thus announcing his departure from the near empty dining hall.  
  
Elrond quirked an eyebrow and was about to chase down and reprimand the young king when a gentle hand was placed on his arm, restraining him. Elrond looked over to see a smilling Glorfindel.  
  
'Leave him be, Elrond.' whispered the fair-haired Lord. 'He is obviously worried about the young prince. Let him see with his own eyes that his love is resting and safe from harm.' His hand then began to trace soothing circles on the Elf Lord's arm. 'I am sure that you would be just as worried if you were the one who had a lover who was wounded and resting in that bed.' said the blond Eldar so only Elrond could hear.  
  
Elrond's hand discreetly travelled and rested on the other Lord's.  
  
'You are right.' he sighed in defeat and gazed deeply into the deep azure pools that were Glorfindel's eyes. 'How came you to be so much wiser than this old fool?'   
  
'I am not wise, my Lord.' said Glorfindel as he smiled softly. 'One is not wise when in love....' The blond Lord then raised the healer's hand to press a soft kiss on the smooth skin. 'Just perceptive.'  
  
Aware that others might be watching, the two Lords regained their composure.  
  
Glorfindel cleared his throat. A funny gesture seeing as elves never become ill with colds or laryngitis.  
  
'Now, Lord Elrond. I remember you promising me the tale of how our fair prince of Mirkwood was wounded.' said Glorfindel, elegantly rising from his chair and smoothing out the wrinkles in his robes.  
  
'Ah! That I did, Lord Glorfindel.' began Elrond, a michievous smirk appearing on his lips. 'Shall we retire to my, er, study to discuss such matters?' Elrond rose and began to walk hurriedly towards his rooms.  
  
'Lead the way, my Lord.' said Glorfindel, trying to hurry his pace to catch up with the dark-haired Lord.  
  
::Although:: thought the blond Lord ::It will be difficult to talk with our mouths occupied...:: Glorfindel grinned and continued to follow the dark-haired Lord.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
As the two Elf Lords beat their retreat to a more 'private' location, Aragorn was striding down a random hall in search of Legolas' room.   
  
::Why oh why did I never get a map of this place? I think I'm lost!:: thought a very frustrated Aragorn.  
  
There were a few random elves that passed him by but he, being a manly man and all, did not stop any to ask for directions.  
  
"Crap!" he exclaimed as he found himself in the same hallway leading to the dining hall. Again. "Damn Elrond and his love of big things!" cried Aragorn in frustration.  
  
(Somewhere else in Imladris, there was a loud sneeze. Elrond thought to himself: ::Elves aren't suppose to get colds!?::)  
  
Just then, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, felt something cold pressed against his neck.  
  
"What is this? A Ranger caught of his guard?" said a mysterious voice.  
  
Aragorn froze in fear, his eyes becoming big like saucers and his heart beating too rapidly than was humanly possible. There were very few things that managed to scare the bejeebus out of the mighty king of men: Fire retardant Nazgul, Uruk-Hai that just won't die, his sword breaking, not being able to "perform", fluffy white bunnies and-  
  
"ARWEN?!?!"  
  
TBC....  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Short. That was short. Too short. And unfunneh. Hey! At least we saw some El/Del (Elrond/Glorfindel) right? *dodges tomatoes* Sorry. Will update again soon.   
  
Personal Thanks:  
  
slasher lover: HEE HEE! I thought the code name would be a cute scene to add. Glad you liked it. I love the twins in fanfiction. I always like to see them having a good time but being great warriors when the time/situation asks for it. I was kinda sad that they weren't really a big part of the books or in the first two movies *keeps her fingers crossed for ROTK* but that makes it fun for us fic readers/authors, ne? Thank you for the review!! I shall continue!  
  
Emma the Lame: EMMA!!! I am so glad that you reviewed! I missed you soooooooo much! If you have AIM, could we chat sometime? I have my AIM name on my author's page.... *smiles* We can plot some carnage together.... *Legolas and Aragorn look worried* Elrohir's codename was cute wasn't it? It is my fave scene too. My new compy is very much like our fave elf. SLEEK! *eek!* I am updating! I am updating!!! *huggles* Take care silly! Thanks for the review!  
  
LittleSpacedemon: Ah! You remembered my fic! Glad you liked it and reviewed! It means alot to me! I have updated as a thank you.... Thanks!! The twins are cute, aren't they?  
  
EtheLeA: hee hee! Thanks for the TWO reviews hunny! This chapter is for you to get you out of the "school blues"..   
  
Sylvie: Sorry Leggy! But it was either an arrow in the butt or *wipsers in his pointed ear*  
Legolas: *pales* You WOULDN'T!!!  
Sylvie: *smiles evilly* I would. *points to the twins who are grinning*  
Legolas: I will be good.  
Twins: *frown*  
  
Heheheheh! Take care OK? Thanks for the reviewS!  
  
Sariyuki: HI! *huggles* A new reader! YAY! I am glad that you like my story! That is really encouraging and fuels me to continue! *drinks the hot chocolate but not before adding some "secret sauce" to it* Mmmm.... I hope I make you laugh again soon! *hugs* Thanks for the review!  
  
Faye: LAURIE! I am glad that you liked the new chapter! And making fun of movie Arwen never grows old.... NEVER. And the twins (especially Elladan) will not have it easy for sure. *hugs* Thanks, hun!  
  
In Dreams: Hee hee! Yup! Glorfindel is HELLA cool! I love him very much and was so upset that he was not in the movie (well, I think he was the elf noble dressed in blue sitting near Gandalf at the Council of Elrond but I am not sure....) I am glad that you are enjoping this story! Thanks for the review!  
  
One last thing.... This fic will be coming to an end soon. But I want to know, would you like a sequel? Let me know either by e-mail or a review if you think that would be fun.  
  
Thank you to all my reviewers and silent readers out there in ff.net land! See you in chapter 6! 


	6. Of Confrontations and Conspiracies

For disclaimers and other such things, please see chapter one. Heh. I don't have to add I hope...  
  
Author Notes: Thank you to all my readers and reviewers! You are the wind beneath my wings! *feels cheesy* As per usual, personal thanks at the end of the chapter. Well, as a super duper thank you, this chapter is LONG and it is updated quite faster than my usual speed! YAY!  
  
Reminder: ".." denotes Westron (English or Common) Speech, '..' denotes Elvish Speech, ::..:: denotes thoughts, [..] denotes translations to some elvish words that I inserted to make myself seem cool.  
  
This chapter, and indeed the whole fic, is dedicated to my favourite LOTR fanfic authors AND the readers and reviewers of this fic. GO YOU!  
  
Another random note: One of my reviewers (well, a few actually) have questioned why I named this fic the way I have. You see, this fic went in a REALLY different direction then I had originally planned but it will still have *something* to do with the title. Trust me. *wicked grin* And I do know what the twins are planning. They told me! *evil grin* Keep reading to find out!  
  
Anyway, here we go!  
  
The King's New Clothes (A silly fic by Sly-chan)  
  
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Chapter Six: Of Confrontations and Conspiracies  
  
Aragorn froze in fear.  
  
::Oh Sweet Elbereth! Please let her be in a good mood!:: Thought a desperate Aragorn as he slowly turned around to face his doom.  
  
To a traveler or newcomer to Imladris, the sight that Aragorn was now facing might appear to be one of serene beauty and elegance. But to those that have lived in Imladris for more than a week, and thus knew the Evenstar of the elves, it was a sight that would make even the meanest of Orcs and the fiercest of Uruk-Hai soil themselves in terror.  
  
Arwen stood before Aragorn, immaculate in a gown of the deepest blue with a silver trim. Her hair was a fine, dark, silky mass of loose ringlets that hung to just below her slender waist. Her face was calm but her eyes...Aragorn shivered at the sight. Her eyes seemed to be alight with fury and rage.  
  
::Nope.:: thought Aragorn ::Definitely not in a good mood. Damn. Why must the Valar laugh at me so?::  
  
Aragorn regained his composure and, with the mysterious cold object still pressed against his neck, began to speak.  
  
"Why, Arwen! Hello! And how fairs thee, my lady, on this fine-"  
  
"Oh stow it, ranger boy!" interrupted the dark haired beauty, her tone even and ethereal. No doubt a skill she had learned from her grandmother, Galadriel, during her century-long sojourn in Lothlorien.  
  
"Why, my Lady! What have I done to displease you so as to lay your-" he looked down at what was pressed against his neck. "Hand mirror?" Aragorn shook his head and cleared his throat. "My lady. Please. I beg thee to tell me what I did to have earned your wrath and I promise thee that I will make amends!"  
  
::Dammit! Why can't I summon enough courage as to tell her that it is over between her and I? Oh Legolas! Give me strength...::  
  
"My dear, sweet Estel." she paused to lay her hand on his stubbled cheek. "Whatever made you think that something was amiss?" continued Arwen, using her best sugary-sweet voice.  
  
Aragorn knew better than to answer right away. He has known Arwen for a few decades already and knew that she was just baiting him.  
  
"Just because you had missed my presentation earlier this day and was not there to greet me for the evening meal, is no reason for me to be a little upset, correct?" Aragorn just stared at her, reminding himself to breathe.  
  
"Arwen...Y-You know the reasons for that. Legolas was hurt. What was I suppose to do?" said Aragorn.  
  
"You could have dropped him off at the infirmary or in one of the servants' arms." She removed the mirror from his neck and waved her free hand in a sign of callousness. "He would have been well taken care of." Explained Arwen, as she set her mirror in its holder on her waist. "But that matters not now. Tell me, MY Estel..."  
  
Aragorn cringed in anticipation for a flurry of furious blows to come raining upon his head.  
  
"How do I look this evening?" she said with a smile. "Be honest!"  
  
By "be honest" she meant "praise the heck out of me and make it sickening".  
  
Aragorn gritted his teeth. It was now or never. After all, is he a man or a mouse?  
  
"You look lovely as per usual, my lady! Fresh like a spring bloom reaching for the morning sun! Shining and twinkling like the evening stars borne from Elbereth's own hands!"  
  
Evidently, he was a mouse. Squeak.  
  
"Oh Aragorn! You flatter me so!" she blushed her well-rehearsed blush and gave her hand to him. "Do go on!"  
  
Aragorn took her hand and was about to kiss it when he was reminded of Legolas...Lying in that bed...Hurt because of the secret they felt compelled to keep from all out of fear of the Evenstar's wrath.  
  
"No more." said Aragorn to himself.  
  
"What was that, Estel?" said a surprised Evenstar.  
  
"No more. I cannot hide it anymore. Arwen, I-I am in love-" began a slightly nervous Aragorn.  
  
"Oh Estel-" interrupted Arwen.  
  
"No, please! Let me finish!" said Aragorn as he turned away from Arwen.  
  
"I am in love with the kindest, most gentle elf in all of Middle-Earth-" said Aragorn as he closed his eyes and pictured Legolas.  
  
"Go on." said Arwen. ::I'm sure that what he meant by "kind and gentle" was "independent and commanding".:: she thought to herself.  
  
"With fair skin, beautiful full lips and hair the colour of spun gold-" he continued with a faint smile dancing on his lips.  
  
"Yes. Go on." said an oblivious Arwen. ::I'm sure that by "hair of spun gold" he means "dark as the fertile earth".::  
  
"He is truly a wondrous soul and I love him as I have loved no other..." said Aragorn as he turned to face Arwen.  
  
::By he, he means she...:: continued to ponder the confused Arwen.  
  
"Arwen, do you understand what I am saying?" asked the King of Men.  
  
"Yes Aragorn!" said an excited Arwen.  
  
"Then we are in agreement." said Aragorn, relief plain on his face.  
  
"Yes we are! I will announce our engagement at once!" she said as she darted off in the direction of her father's study with pictures from the "Spring Elf Bride" magazine dancing in her head.  
  
Before Aragorn could react, she was gone. A cold breeze blew about him.  
  
"CRAP!"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
In Legolas's room, Elrohir, having come to, is now pouting. And looking mighty cute at doing so.  
  
'Look, I said I was sorry!' whispered a desperate Elladan to the pouting Elrohir. 'You know that I would NEVER purposely hurt you. You are my brother. My twin to be precise. And what you feel, I feel.'  
  
'Then tell me why, my dearest twin...' said Elrohir in an uncharacteristically sarcastic tone. 'Why did you not hit the floor seconds after I blacked out?' Elrohir's tone went from "covert whispering" mode to "everyone within elven earshot can hear" mode.  
  
'Shhh! You will awaken him and we will not be able to go through with our plan!' whispered an annoyed Elladan.  
  
'Fine! You don't need me here. You don't want me here...' sniffed the younger twin. 'I-I don't need to stay here and take this abuse! I-I can go to Erestor to get this kind of abuse.'  
  
Elladan rolled his eyes and put a comforting arm around his brother's shoulders. 'I need you Elrohir. That is why you have to stay with me.' he looked into his twin's face and saw he was unconvinced. 'Besides, I cannot play, ugh, "Dress Up Spies" without you! Come Elrohir!'  
  
Elrohir smiled and wiped his eyes. 'Elladan. My code name is ELLADAN!' He then stood proudly and whipped his cape to cover his face.  
  
Elladan sighed. 'I thought I told you that we could not use our real names!'  
  
'But, 'tis not my real name.' said the confused twin. 'My name is Elrohir. Are you well, brother? Maybe the plate hit your head a little too hard and gave you a concussion!'  
  
Elladan pressed his slender fingers to his temples. 'Actually, I think I am getting a migraine.'  
  
'Oh! While you are out, can you get me something to drink? I would like a nice glass of lemonade!' said a clueless 'Elladan'. 'You idiot. A migraine is-' Elladan stopped to think for a moment. 'You know, I am not sure. But it is running rampant in Imladris right now.'  
  
Elrohir was about to say something when Legolas stirred again in his drug induced slumber.  
  
'I wonder what he is dreaming about.' asked Elrohir.  
  
'Let's just hope it is a peaceful and long dream. Let's get to work, Elrohir!'  
  
Elrohir glared at Elladan before whipping the cape before his face once more.  
  
Elladan sighed. 'Let's get to work, ELLADAN!'  
  
Elrohir giggled. 'Sure thing, uh. Umm, Elladan? You did not choose a code name! How will I know what to call you if you did not choose a code name!'  
  
Elladan smiled and whipped his cape before his face. 'Legolas. My code name is LEGOLAS!' He then began to laugh softly.  
  
'That's a dumb code name.' said Elrohir.  
  
Elladan smacked him upside the head.  
  
'Let's just get this over with!'  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Legolas opened his eyes and was confused by the scene that lay before him. He was surrounded by clouds and soft light.  
  
::This is...strange. The last thing I remember was being carried in Aragorn's arms after I could no longer-:: Legolas' eyes widened in realization. ::I must be dead! T-This must be the way before the Halls of Mandos!::  
  
Legolas sighed. As a proud warrior, this was not the way he imagined he would bite the big one.  
  
::How could I have died of such an embarrassing wound? Although there was poison on the tip of that arrow...?:: He shook his head. ::The poison did not feel fatal and there was not enough of it to kill an immortal like myself...:: Legolas continued to think to himself as he began to wander among the clouds.  
  
::I must have died of embarrassment! If elves can die from grief, why not from embarrassment?:: He then stopped dead in his tracks. His fair face fell and a look of deep sadness overtook his features.  
  
::Aragorn. My Estel. Oh! Why did I have to die and leave him behind to a fate worse than death?:: The slender elf shivered as he thought of Arwen trying to take advantage of His human's grief.  
  
::There has to be a way out of this! After all, if Glorfindel can come back from here, I can too! There must be some kind of exit or some room where I can barter with Mandos Himself! Why did I not pay attention when Glorfindel told this story?!::  
  
Legolas then began to run. After what seemed an eternity, he stopped dead in his tracks and, thanks to his elven grace, was able to stop himself before coming face to wood with a door.  
  
::Strange. Why is there a lone door here?:: He thought as he looked around. ::It is strange but...This door is not attached to a wall or anything. I'll even wager that I can circle it.::  
  
Legolas took in a deep breath and attempted to do so. And he succeeded.  
  
::What is this new devilry?:: he thought in frustration. ::Maybe if I were to try and open it-::  
  
As he reached for the knob, he heard a mysterious voice. Two of them actually.  
  
"HALT!" said the first voice.  
  
"Who goes before The Door? " said the second.  
  
::Damn. I knew that it was far too easy...::  
  
"I am just an elf that is looking to return to where he belongs." Legolas turned to face the two voices and saw-  
  
"Merry and Pippin?!? What are you doing here at the Door to Mandos's Halls?" questioned a very surprised Legolas.  
  
"Master Elf..." began the one that looked like Merry. "We are not your friends."  
  
"We merely took on the forms of two of those familiar to you." Explained the one that looked like Pippin. "When we saw you, we probed your mind and took on these forms so as to not scare you."  
  
"But why did you take on the forms of these two hobbit? Why not Elrond or Glorfindel? Or maybe Gandalf?" asked the elf.  
  
Both guards, as indeed they were guards, looked at the other hoping to find the answer.  
  
"Hey! You are in no position to question us!" began Pippin.  
  
"It is OUR JOB to question you. What is your business before The Door?" asked Merry.  
  
"I wish to return to my home and my love." Legolas answered, sadness deep in his voice. "Please! You must let me through this door!"  
  
"That is not the way home, Master Elf." Began Merry.  
  
"Besides, before we can even let you in The Door, you must answer these questions three!" said Pippin.  
  
Merry smacked him. "We are not playing that game today! We are suppose to be serious!"  
  
Pippin rubbed the spot on his head where Merry struck him. "But! We never get to play this game anymore! It is so rare that people are dumb enough-"  
  
Legolas cleared his throat. "Yes. Well. If you will not help me, I guess I will just continue to wander around here."  
  
"We are indeed sorry, Master Elf. But we wish you luck on your journey." Said Merry as he stopped strangling Pippin.  
  
"Aw! C'mon! Why don't you stay and play the game! It is fun!" Said Pippin, smiling and signalling for Legolas to come closer.  
  
"No! No guessing game today! You remember what happened last time!" scolded Merry.  
  
"That last guy was burned only on 80% of his body! It was not my fault he chose wrong!"  
  
As the hobbits continued to argue, Legolas slowly made his way to the door and, with his elven agility, opened it quickly and ran inside.  
  
"Crap." Said Merry.  
  
"Maybe we should have told him that he is dreaming and that all he had to do was open his eyes?" Queried Pippin.  
  
"He's an elf. He does not sleep with his eyes closed." Explained Merry.  
  
"Oh. Well, we should at least have warned him that that door was perilous?" Continued Pippin.  
  
"Hey. We are GUARDS. Not WARNERS. We did our job and "guarded" The Door." Said Merry as he places his arm around the younger hobbit's shoulders. "Come, Pip. Let's go have a drink."  
  
"Sounds good to me. But this time, you wear the dress!"  
  
"Spoilsport."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Behind the door, Legolas found himself in pitch darkness with his inner light glowing faintly.  
  
::Darn it! I knew that I should have asked those guys for directions!:: He thought in despair.  
  
Legolas looked ahead and saw a light.  
  
::My elven instincts are telling me to turn back but I am curious as to what that light is.:: thought Legolas to himself. ::Oh well! What is the worse that can happen when you are already dead?::  
  
With that having been said, well, thought, Legolas ran towards the light.  
  
Once he reached it, he was blinded and for a moment all was quiet. He kept his eyes tightly closed and heard a familiar voice.  
  
"Are you going to stand there all day? We must quicken our pace if we are to reach Merry and Pippin!"  
  
::Funny, I just left Merry and Pippin...:: He then opened his eyes and saw... Himself?!?  
  
Legolas looked at "Legolas" in confusion.  
  
"My friend, are you well?" said a very concerned "Legolas".  
  
::What the heck is going on here?:: he thought.  
  
"Aragorn! Come here! I think we need your healing skills!" called out the false Legolas.  
  
Legolas rubbed his eyes trying to come to grips with the situation. Then he saw him. Aragorn. His Estel.  
  
"Aragorn!" he called out. ::Odd. That is not my voice.::  
  
He then tried to run up to Aragorn but his steps were not as light as they usually were and he was now aware that he was wearing very heavy armour.  
  
But that did not stop Legolas from running up to Aragorn and hugging him tightly...about the waist.  
  
"Umm, Gimli? Is all well?" asked Aragorn as he looked down at person hugging his waist.  
  
::Gimli? Why did he call me-:: With great speed, or as fast as one can run with 30 pounds of armour on, he ran to the nearest stream and looked at his reflection.  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"  
  
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Thank yous:  
  
EtheLeA: As usual, your reviews make me smile. There will be a sequel. But then again, you already knew that didn't you? Hehehe. I still have two very good ideas for one-shot fics but right now, my TKNC bunny is biting me pretty hard! I even have some of the next chapter written already!! Go me! Meeting you would be a dream! Why not go to college here in Canada? Huh? Why not? LOL *giggles at the little Aragorn, El/Del moment* You know, that is the way I picture him reacting to that especially after they gave him the whole "You can't keep anything secret here in Imladris!" speech. LOL Take care hunny!  
  
Aragorn67: The insanity may never end I fear. For you see, I am insane and I love to infect others. Mwahahah! Just kidding! Glad you are enjoying the fic! Thanks for the review!!  
  
Shauna: I am glad that you think this fic is funny. I am afraid that this fic went in a wildly different direction then I had first intended though. But, the twins have assure me that this fic will have a point and it WILL have SOMETHING to do with the title. But then again, they are known to play tricks. LOL Thanks for the review!  
  
Ithildin: Two Reviews? Dang! I better get a move on! Sauron fruitcake is pretty scary and I don't even want to think about Melkor *shivers*!!! I added you to my LJ friends BTW... Thanks for the review and UPDATE!!!  
  
Faye: Heeheh. Laurie! You and Vincent still got it! Now give it!! LOL  
  
In Dreams: Yup! I do think that! MAH SISTAH! *hugs you* I know that some peeps say that PJ says its not him but COME ON! Glorfindel! He DESERVES to be in that movie!! Thanks for the review!  
  
LittleSpacedemon: Yup! I wrote more about the twins and Arwen, well, she took more than his head... Poor Aragorn! Again, thanks for the review!!  
  
Emma the Lame: Emma!! *glomps you* I have missed you preciousssss... You have not updated the sequel to your story and you are not online at the same time as me! *WAHHHH!* There will be a sequel to my story... and it will be TOTALLY SLY-CHAN. Oh yes. A/L Forevah! *hugs* You take care and thanks for the review!  
  
I am on the favourites list of 5 people! YAYAYAYAY! You guys all rick and I will try my best to make you all proud!!  
  
Well, that is it for now. Thank you to all my reviewers and silent readers! See you in chapter 7! 


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